Unsolicited Twin Advice

On the news that a college friend is expecting twin boys in the fall of 2010, I sent her the following advice.  I've since forwarded this advice to a good friend of Brian's who is also expecting twin boys this fall which is when it struck me that there are others who might appreciate the wisdom we've gained over the past 15+ months.  I expect this will be a work in progress, so expect this blog entry to be updated from time to time.

1.  Bad news while pregnant.  DON'T READ anything that can go wrong until you've been alerted that it's of concern. And even then, our advice is not to freak out until you have a diagnosis. Seriously, you would not believe the host of horribles that were posed to us...and in the end, our biggest issue is that Lucy is little (REALLY little) - but developmentally is kicking her sister's butt. The last thing the babies need is you stressing out. So read up on what to eat, delivery options, and what to expect when the babies come home, but mentally and emotionally prepare with the knowledge that this isn't a run of the mill pregnancy.

2.  Sleep training.  We did Babywise around 4 months (3 hour cycles of sleep, eat, play, repeat). Three days later, they slept through the night and have done so every single night since (one exception when we tried to share a room with them at my aunt's house last month...we won't do that again for a long, long time).  At 6 months, we went through weeks of having them cry it out as we moved their bedtime from 10-11 pm to 7-8 pm.  Listen, don't listen, but whatever you do, put the kids down and don't come back until morning.  Checking in every 10 minutes only taught our girls that they only had to cry for 10 minutes at a time and that we'd come back to comfort them.  Today, the girls will cry when we lie them down and will usually settle down before we even hit the steps to go downstairs.  We can count on 11 hours to enjoy our evening and get some sleep ourselves before they're up in the morning.  It is a beautiful thing and has greatly contributed to our sanity and ability to parent.

3.  Buy used (except for cribs and car seats). Our twins club has a great marketplace of used goods. We have a internet board where we post what we're buying and selling and also have two sales a year. At $10 for a bumbo, boppy or bouncy seat and the knowledge that I can resell it in a few years, why not get multiples to have on each floor of the house?  When you're carrying two babies, you don't have enough arms to drag equipment around the house. So buy it if you can afford it, but don't spend a fortune as (1) some things the babies won't like; and (2) even if they love it, they'll outgrow it in no time.  So buy used and wipe it all down with Clorox wipes.

4.  Baby wearing. I'm not a diehard, strollers are evil sort of person on this, but when one girl is having the sort of day where she just needs to be held, I can put her in the Ergo/Bjorn/Moby and have my hands free to pick up the other one or do something...like prepare food, or, better yet, eat food. We often keep the Ergo in the stroller in case one has had enough of the stroller. I've been spotted at Costco with Sage in the Ergo, Lucy in my arms, me pushing the stroller and Brian pushing the overloaded cart. Clearly, it was time to get some girls down for naps...but until that could happen, the Ergo let me comfortably carry both.

5.  Good stroller.  I understand that twin parents use their strollers far longer than with singletons (onesies, as my friend's husband calls them) because of safety and herding challenges.  Also, you don't need another mental hurdle to keep you from getting out of the house and hating your stroller can be a big mental hurdle.  We used a double snap n'go for errands when the girls were first born - light, easy to set up.  But we LOVE our Bumbleride.  All terrain, turns on a dime, fits into the back of my Prius, kids are comfy, we all look good.

6.  Babies cry.  They do.  There is no way you can prevent it when there are two of them.  It will be ok. They will be ok. You will be ok. Babies cry.

7.  Matching v. coordinating v. unmatched clothes.  This is a matter of personal preference, but a year of experience has shaped mine, so take it for what it's worth (little). My preference is coordinating.  Our identical girls already "match" - so let's give them a little identity and help others in identifying them. Many twins end up being different sizes and that occasionally translates into different clothing sizes. In our case, Sage is a full size+ larger than Lucy. So when people give us matching clothes in the same size, it's kind of wasted. They rarely are able to wear their matching outfits at the same time and so I have two outfits that only one kid can wear.  If coordinating, I at least have two outfits, they each get wear, and I don't get as tired of it.  Notably, my situation is not normal as my 15 month old still wears some select 0-3 month clothes...so clothes I put away last summer assuming I'd never see them again, are getting more wear.  And our 3-6 month pjs have been in continuous use since August...

Video recorded August 25, 2009 (5 month birthday)

8.  Discipline/treating them uniquely/etc.  We are just beginning to tread into these areas. The girls' personalities are beginning to really shine and they are REALLY different. I am beginning to see the landmines ahead of helping them to become their own individual while honoring their twinship.  We try to spend independent time with each girl by taking just one with us when we run errands.  And we've instituted Sage and Lucy Days so they can have one day a year that is their own.  Brian and I also try to find a balance between which of us focuses on which child. Eg., if I mostly fed Sage dinner, I may focus on Lucy during bath or read her a book at bedtime. We think it all works out in the wash, but I guess we won't know until we get the therapy bills.

9.  Parenting twins is a team sport.   I don't know how involved Brian would have been with a onesie, but outside of the nursing and pregnancy, Brian has been an equal partner in this whole adventure.  Even then, he found creative and wonderful ways to help balance the burden.  While I nurse in the morning, he goes downstairs and fixes breakfast for all 4 of us.  He also puts together my pumping bag for the day with clean flanges and bottles.   Brian regularly feeds them dinner while I'm making my way home from work and doesn't break a sweat when he bathes them both together on his own.  

10.  Have fun.  So long as no one dies, it's just a funny story waiting for you to find the humor.

Twins, twin parents, twin grandparents, what would you add to this list?